Disappointment is a hallmark of ministry, leadership, and influence. Most of the time, we focus on dealing with the disappointment we feel when others let us down. But it’s also important to learn how to handle the reality that we’ll disappoint people we respect. It’s inevitable.
I once heard of a pastor who told a younger man training for ministry, “Brother, there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t know of someone who’s disappointed in me.” He was acknowledging the reality. Serve God’s people long enough, and you’ll be both the one disappointed and the one who disappoints.
Burden of Letting Others Down
For nearly 20 years, I’ve been speaking and writing in public. Over time, I’ve disappointed my fair share of readers. Some have been dismayed by my stances and opinions—perhaps because I critiqued a book or author they admire, or because my condemnation of a writer or movement wasn’t as forceful as they thought the moment required. Other times, it wasn’t something I said or wrote but simply that I have friends or associations they think are compromised.
Church ministry brings similar challenges. Your take on a matter of political prudence may differ from some church members. Your response to a cultural controversy comes across as either too strident or too soft. You come down in different places on a question of denominational politics. You draw a sharp line on matters of orthodoxy, or you don’t draw the line sharply enough for a doctrine some think is a matter of orthodoxy. You quote or associate with someone from the “wrong” tribe. The list goes on.
When Encouragement Turns to Contempt
Sometimes, the pain runs deep—not just when others disappoint you but when you disappoint them. People who once encouraged me—who praised my books and sermons, sent emails of affirmation, shared meals in my home, or enjoyed a warm drink with me at a conference—have later trolled me on social media, blocked me, or written me off entirely.
One pattern I’ve noticed: Those who are over-the-top in praising you are often the most likely to be over-the-top in cutting you off when you disappoint them. It reminds me of Charles Spurgeon’s counsel: “Too much consideration of what is said by our people, whether it be in praise or in depreciation, is not good for us.”
Posture of Gratitude
In coming to terms with the inevitability of disappointing people, I’ve sought to respond with a spirit of gratitude. I can be grateful for whatever measure of help I was able to provide someone else, even if only for a season. It’s no small thing to gain someone’s ear—for my online scribblings to be a subject of reflection, or for my podcast to accompany someone on a drive or a run, or for one of my books to be given attention out of the millions available. If you’re a pastor, the fact that anyone sits through your sermons and yields to your leadership, even for a time, is an inestimable gift.
Along with taking a posture of gratitude, I’ve had to renounce the fear of disappointing others. I can’t let self-preservation stifle my instincts or keep me from serving as faithfully as I know how. I’ve had to resist the temptation to dwell on my missteps or to soften necessary words for fear of ruffling feathers. I’ve had to root out bitterness and resentment against those who’ve turned against me. I’ve tried instead to focus on the larger body of work I hope to contribute over a lifetime—a ministry I pray that, even with its many flaws, will glorify God and build up the church.
Word to My Readers
So, my readers, I must prepare you. If you follow my work long enough, you will eventually disagree with me. You will, at some point, be disappointed. Some of you may even stop reading or listening altogether. And that’s OK.
Even if that happens—even if disappointment leads to distance or to derision—I can still be grateful for the season where the Lord allowed me to serve you with my words. I choose this posture because it guards me from becoming defensive, from falling into people-pleasing, or from holding back when I feel compelled to speak the truth as I see it.
When You Disappoint Others
You, too, will disappoint people. If you serve in ministry, lead in any capacity, or engage publicly with ideas, it’s inevitable. The question isn’t whether you’ll let people down but how you’ll respond when it happens. “Bless your critics for their honesty,” Calvin Miller wrote. “They do not criticize you to be a blessing to you, but the end product may be the same.”
Don’t let your disappointment turn into self-doubt or defensiveness. Receive criticism with humility, discern what you can glean even from those whose manner is abrasive, and then move forward with confidence in God’s calling on your life.
We don’t measure faithfulness by universal approval. We measure faithfulness by adhering to the call of our Lord. Even when that means disappointing people along the way.
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