How I Found Hope After My Mother’s Suicide

Four hundred feet. That’s the distance that changed my life—the distance my mother plunged to her death after a long battle with depression and bipolar disorder.

This wasn’t her first suicide attempt. Since I was 12 years old, I’ve witnessed God’s loving hand spare her from several attempted overdoses and even a hanging. After every attempt, she’d apologize to me and reassure me of her love.

Fast forward 12 years to her last failed attempt. The call came while I rocked my 14-month-old cranky, teething daughter—“Mom overdosed again, but we found her just in time.” A month later, I had my mom back. She apologized once more and said it was all a mistake. She asked when she’d get another grandchild and promised she’d never leave me.

Six weeks later, without a goodbye or an explanatory note, she drove off the 400-foot cliff. She finally succeeded at suicide.

Five Truths That Helped Me Heal

The physical pain of my heart being squeezed was unbearable. Why was I not enough for her to stay? In brokenness, I cried to the Lord the only thoughts I could muster amid the pain: It hurts, Lord. I can’t.

And I couldn’t. It took many months before I could pray a coherent prayer or open the Bible and read without feeling my mind go numb as tears filled my eyes.

There’s no timeline or rule book for grief after suicide. It’s been 11 years since my mom passed, and I still have unanswered questions that I might never figure out on this side of heaven. But in my grief, the Lord has shown me five truths that have helped me begin to heal as I lean on him. I hope you can find comfort in these truths too.

Truth #1: God Is Still Sovereign

Despite all of my mom’s failed suicide attempts, I was still surprised when it actually happened. But I know who wasn’t surprised—God. My life was turned upside down, but his plans and purposes weren’t. In the initial aftermath of sorrow, I had to keep reminding myself that for those who love him, God works all things together for good (Rom. 8:28).

My life was turned upside down, but God’s plans and purposes weren’t.

Suicide is horrible. But in his sovereignty, God uses even the ugliness of the world to advance his kingdom. So I cling to the truth that the Lord who perfectly orchestrated the earth’s creation also weaves together each thread of my life for my good and his glory.

Truth #2: Salvation Isn’t at Risk

Many people have asked me if I believe my mom went to heaven. My answer is yes. She was a confessing believer with fruit evident in her life, and Christ already paid for her sin—all of it. Jesus said, “All sins will be forgiven the children of man” (Mark 3:28). The only sin he identified as unpardonable is blaspheming against the Holy Spirit (v. 29). So I don’t believe suicide excludes a believer from God’s forgiveness.

In the same breath, I don’t mean to offer false hope. Sometimes when a loved one commits suicide, we can’t rest in the hope of salvation because we’re uncertain whether he had faith in Christ. But we can rest in this: God is a good and gracious Father who doesn’t wish for any to perish (2 Pet. 3:9). Remember your loved one’s eternity is in his perfect hands, and find comfort in the fact that God is your Good Shepherd.

Truth #3: It’s Not About You

The first few months after my mom died, I spun my wheels thinking, Was it the medication she was on? Was it because she hit her head the week before? Should I have found her a better counselor? It’s easy to fall into the rabbit hole of doubt that if only I’d done more, my mom would still be alive. That’s a dangerous place to live because it takes our eyes off the sovereign God who never fails and puts all the weight on us—fallible, weak beings who need a Savior.

God created us as highly complex individuals with bodies and souls. Living in a fallen world has myriad effects on a person’s mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I don’t know every factor that led my mom to suicide. But I know I couldn’t have fixed all that was broken because I wasn’t meant to be her Savior. That’s a role only Jesus can fill.

Truth #4: You Can Grieve Without Growing Bitter

When a loved one commits suicide, it’s painful not just because they’re gone but because they deliberately chose to leave you. I’ve often wondered, Why was I not enough for you to stay? The first few months after my mom’s death, I was regularly tempted toward bitterness as I processed this question. But as I continually turned to God’s Word, I found help to grieve without growing bitter.

When we feel wronged by a loved one’s suicide, it’s right to mourn over her sin and the consequences of that sin in our own lives. Jesus said, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted” (Matt. 5:4). Being honest about our feelings of hurt and rejection can be a necessary part of the grieving process.

As I continually turned to God’s Word, I found help to grieve without growing bitter.

But to avoid growing angry and bitter, I’ve had to continually renew my mind in God’s Word. Paul instructs us in Philippians 4:8, “Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”

Truth #5: God Will Comfort You

People sometimes say hurtful and unfeeling things after any death, but this seems to be especially true after suicide. You likely won’t find the comfort you deeply crave from another human—not your spouse, pastor, best friend, or close family member. Even the most caring person in your life will fall short in comforting you because only Christ’s perfect peace and hope can fill the devastating hole of grief.

Allow people to love you with hugs, prayers, and meals, but also be ready to extend grace when others say something unintentionally hurtful or don’t show up in the way you’d hoped. Know that as you lean on Christ in your grief, his peace transcends all understanding (Phil. 4:7). Look to the “God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction” (2 Cor. 1:3–4)—even the grief of suicide.