Is this person the one I should marry?
Of all the important questions in life, this one is right at the top. Who you decide to spend the rest of your life with is a decision that will have far-reaching effects.
This is especially true for Christians because of the biblical command to only marry another believer (1 Cor. 7:39) and the lifelong commitment involved (with only limited exceptions; cf. Matt. 19:9; 1 Cor. 7:15).
Careful evaluation is extremely important here.
I’ve seen Christians work through this in different ways, but often it’s on one of two extremes. Either they have overly detailed and nuanced criteria for a spouse, or they are on the other extreme, lacking specifics of what they’re looking for, opting for the more subjective aspect of their feelings.
As a pastor, I’ve found that neither extreme is helpful when considered alone—but both perspectives can be beneficial.
Two Unhelpful Extremes
On the one hand, the more nuanced criteria and evaluations can devolve into considerations that are presumptuous at best and likely won’t matter in a few years.
Why would I say your precise preferences likely won’t matter? Because you (and your potential spouse) will almost certainly change in the coming years—perhaps even on the very issue you’re fixated on. Marriage—which requires time and commitment—has a way of refining and realigning our preferences.
Marriage has a way of refining and realigning our preferences.
Imagine a Christian brother who has a nonnegotiable requirement that his future wife loves sports or dreams of living in the city rather than having a backyard—or that she plans to homeschool the children. There is so much of life that must unfold before these types of decisions are made. This kind of nonnegotiable may steer you away from a person who could be just right for you.
On the other hand, imagine ignoring key differences. One of you doesn’t want children, the other does. One of you is eager to commit to a local church, the other prefers to stay on the sidelines. These are weighty matters that should be discussed early, because they’re often tied to deeper convictions.
Wisdom and discernment are needed to navigate these types of questions and concerns. Remember to pray and ask the Lord for this (James 1:5).
To help couples evaluate their relationship, my wife and I have found it helpful to frame this conversation around three categories: Profession, Pressure, and Personal.
Profession
As a Christian, the most important factor to consider when thinking about a potential spouse is whether or not they are a believer (1 Cor. 7:39).
This command is clear in the New Testament, reflected in the relationship between Christ and his church (Eph. 5:22–23), and modeled in the Old Testament (Deut. 7:3–4; Ezra 9–10).
But there’s also a practical consideration. If the potential spouse is in Christ, then they have the Holy Spirit and are being—and will finally be—conformed to the image of Christ (Rom. 8:29; Eph. 4:24; Phil. 3:21).
If your potential spouse is in Christ, the same God will be sanctifying and refining you together.
This simplifies so much. In the big picture, the husband and wife will be pulling in the same direction and evaluating life by the same metric. And the same God will be sanctifying and refining them together.
It’s important to evaluate whether their life reflects their profession of faith. Are they involved and active in a local church? Do they have other Christians who affirm their profession? Is there fruit in their life? Are they pursuing holiness?
Along these lines, it’s beneficial to consider alignment in broader theological traditions (for example, Baptist or Presbyterian, Calvinist or not). These should not necessarily be dealbreakers, but they should certainly be discussed honestly.
If you are a Christian and the person you are interested in is not, that’s a red flag. It’s time to stop; don’t continue the pursuit. Prayerfully look for a person who is building their life on the Cornerstone like you. This shared foundation will outlast and outweigh many of the smaller criteria people think they need.
Pressure
There are two components I’m thinking of here: trials and conflict.
Trials
Life is filled with various trials. “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds” (James 1:2). There is no escaping this.
Most likely, you’re just coming out of one, in one, or on your way to one. As they come, how are you handling them? How does the person you are interested in deal with them? Consider a few examples and points of evaluation.
One of you has been laid off from work. Do you respond with self-pity and shutting down—or with trust in the Lord and looking for more work?
One of you is struggling with car troubles, house troubles, or roommate troubles—is there a tone of entitlement? Playing the victim? Ownership in the difficulty? Do they run to you as the Savior or run to Christ?
One of you needs to make a decision that comes with risk—is the process characterized by anxiety or prayer? Fasting or indulging? Escaping or pressing into the issue?
Watch and observe the character developments that trials reveal. How a person handles the pressures of life will let you know how ready they are for the commitment of marriage and the sacrifice it takes to make a relationship flourish.
Conflict
Given time, even the most joyful relationships experience disagreements. Put two sinners together and eventually there will be some tension. This is a reality of life in a post–Genesis 3 world. And it can go two ways.
Is it marked by manipulation?
Active manipulation—such as raising your voice, blaming the other person, or using coercion or threats to force your way—is an attempt to control the situation without regard for the Holy Spirit’s leading or the other person’s good.
Passive manipulation—like ghosting, “leaving on read,” withholding kindness, or “forgetting” scheduled times together—is a way to punish the other person in more covert ways. It’s the classic model of seeking your own interest above others and evading the consequences for it.
Or is it marked by humility before God and one another? Have you worked through things together? Do you listen to each other? Are you seeking to understand the other person without insisting on being right? Can you say your relationship is growing even through the pressure?
How a person handles the pressures of life will show how ready they are for the commitment of marriage.
You might be tempted to think conflict is a negative sign—and it could be. Excessive conflict isn’t a sign of health. But conflict can also be an opportunity for growth. Modeling the mind of Christ (Phil. 2:3ff), there should be humility, fitting words (Eph. 4:29), and love (Eph. 4:15). Through this, you can grow together.
Pressure in a relationship is inevitable. The question is, how are you handling it? Is it on a biblical trajectory?
Not everyone can work through conflict and still want to nurture the relationship deeper. If you’ve found someone who is willing to do that with you, it’s a major green flag.
Personal
Evaluate how you feel about the other person. These evaluations are logical but exist outside of logic. Personal evaluations are about how you feel when you are around the other person. It can fit into two categories: attraction and enjoyment.
Personal Attraction
This is not often overlooked. In fact, I’ve seen it take top priority as Christians are tempted to throw caution to the wind and pursue the person they’re attracted to. I want to caution you on this.
One of our kids was working at a coffee shop and after serving hundreds of customers per week, they shared this observation with me: “Someone may not look attractive when you first meet them. But once you get to know them, they become attractive.”
This is true. Leave room for this kind of attraction metamorphosis. Get to know a person. See if attraction grows. Sometimes attraction is immediate. Sometimes it morphs.
Obviously, looks and appearance aren’t everything—but they’re not nothing either. I believe it is essential that two people be attracted to one another before they get married. I would hesitate to officiate a wedding where either the bride or groom lacked attraction for the other person. Lack of attraction is a red flag.
Personal Enjoyment
Do you enjoy being together? Do you look forward to your dates or visits? When you’re together, how’s the conversation? Do you laugh together? Do you feel like you can be yourself—or are you planning the date so there isn’t a lull in the conversation? Is there chemistry?
Or does this person just check all the boxes? They have everything you ever thought you could possibly want in a potential spouse. Just think about it for a second. What good is it to have everything on paper but not look forward to spending time together?
Two people should enjoy being together if they want to get married.
Be careful—meeting the criteria will not be enough to bear the weight of marriage. Honest evaluation in this area will prove helpful. It may mean you have to give up that person who is “perfect on paper.”
If you don’t anticipate your time together now, how do you think you will anticipate serving this person in the closeness of marriage? Two people should enjoy being together if they want to get married.
Conclusion
If the relationship is progressing to the point where you’re thinking about marriage—congratulations, that’s exciting.
Pray, seek the Lord, and ask for godly counsel.
And instead of making a list of sixty-three questions to work through and fifty-two boxes to check, start with these three and go from there. You’ll still have important questions to think through, but asking about Profession, Pressure, and Personal attraction and enjoyment will prove helpful as you prayerfully consider this very important question.
