Front Row Seat: Nourishing Your Marriage

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Kari Olson
Well, Kristen, I will never forget one of my pastors and his wife from my church growing up. They were a power couple, they could light up a room with the stories that they told together. Sometimes they were silly stories about their tiny dog named Samson. Other times, they were more meaningful stories recalling the way God provided for them as a young couple in seminary, while between her memory, and his booming laughter, people were hanging on their every word. You know, later in their life, it became dangerous and even difficult for her to attend church, and social events because of a chronic illness. And we all missed her. But boy, you could tell he just missed having her by his side. And he still spoke so highly of her, and really honored her, even though she wasn’t there. And as a teenager watching their marriage, I kind of wondered what their secret was. Because they liked each other so much, were they just lucky? Well, now that I’m in my own ministry, marriage, I know that the secret really isn’t a secret. After all, I can easily imagine this couple in their marriage facing the same chances and choices that my husband and I face every day, you have sometimes the chance to build up or to tear down, you have the choice to serve or to demand, you have the chance to pay attention to each other or to ignore. You have the choice, to love, or to hate. And really left in our own strength, we would be powerless to continually make the right choice to nourish our marriage. But God, but God through his Son, and in his spirit, infuses our relationship with His grace, and his own transforming power. And really, that is the only type of power couple we want to be, isn’t it?

Kristen Wetherell
Yeah, amen. Amen to all of that. I love that story. I can just visualize the two of them and I don’t even know what they look like but that is so precious. And you know makes me want that for our marriage for our marriages. Right. And I think that that story resonates with me as well because of our our our walking through chronic pain. And I know you to carry have walked through chronic illness alongside your husband. And you know that pressure along with many other pressures causes us to have to face those choices right and to say, Will I love and serve or well I turn inward into selfishness will I build up my spouse? Will I tear them down? Will I choose to nourish my marriage which is our topic for today? Or will I let it with her? So I’m really looking forward to this topic nourishing your marriage is what we are going to talk about today. On front row seat.

And pastor’s wife Christie on up lay is joining us today. Christy welcome. She has been married to her husband, the bat for 31 precious years. Praise the Lord for that. I love that. And together they serve Anacostia River church in Washington, DC. And Christie is also an author and a Bible teacher. We’re so glad you’re here. Christy, thanks for giving us your time.

Kristie Anyabwile
It’s so great to be here with you ladies. Thank you.

Kristen Wetherell
Maybe you could introduce yourself, tell us about your family and tell us about what ministry life looks like for you these days.

Kristie Anyabwile
Well, as most many families do, I love talking about getting a chance to introduce people to my family and talking about them. My family, we are just chill, but also fun. Those are the words that I would describe us. Chill because everyone in my family is an introvert except me. I’m an extreme extrovert. They are extreme introverts. So we have that dynamic. So they’re all chill and I’m like, like this all the time. And but we also love to laugh. You know, spontaneously, just easy things, fun things. And we’re not flashy, we don’t feel like we have to be doing something all the time just being together is enough. And so that’s kind of who we are as a family. So my husband is the Beatty. He’s a pastor of Anacostia River church in Washington. DC, as you said, we’ve been married 31 years we’ve been together 34 We met and married before we became Christians. And so our story together doesn’t start with our relationship with Christ. So we’ve talked about that if you want later, but my kids I have 24 year old Ophea. She is getting her Master’s at Wake Forest University in English. So that’s exciting. My middle daughter is Eden. She’s 22. She lives in Chattanooga. She’s an artist. And my youngest is Titus. He’s 16. And he loves soccer, basketball. Anything athletic, is super fun. And I have a dog. His name is Justice. He’s crazy. Yeah, ministry. So what ministry looks like, for me right now. It’s interesting. Right now we’re dealing with some difficulties in our neighborhood, with gun violence and other kinds of violence. And so ministry really is for me, because I know a lot of the children in our neighborhood is having good conversations with them about the things that are happening about Jesus as I can have a slew of books, when they come over, we can read together that introduce them to some aspect of God and His character in Christ. Ministry also looks like liaising with our neighbor, our neighborhood and the neighborhood adjacent to ours, and some of our community leaders. And just being a gospel voice and light in the situation that we have. Not that I’m talking to them specifically about Jesus all the time. But just being a person of faith and them knowing that and being able to come and bring my faith into the conversations that we need to have around these issues. It’s what I’m doing a lot. As far as ministry in my neighborhood, of course, we have regular church stuff that we’re involved in. And then also, you know, I teach the Bible to women in my church, and, and our right, so that’s what ministry looks like.

Kari Olson
Lots of ministry going on. Well, I love that God has given you the capacity and the the availability to be there for your neighborhood, specifically at this time. That’s very encouraging. To me. It’s not just in the walls of your church, but it’s everywhere we go, isn’t it?

Kristie Anyabwile
Amen, that’s right. That’s right.

Kari Olson
Well, seeing that our topic is nourishing your marriage. Would you tell us how did you meet your husband, then? If that sounds like a great story, I’d love to go back to. You have mentioned it in your intro. And then at what point then, did you know that he was going to be in ministry?

Kristie Anyabwile
Yeah. So we met at university. So we met at freshman orientation, that in the summer before school started, and also people he stalked me, because he just popped up. And everywhere I turn, there he was. And he, his version of the story is that I turned him down five times, or six, something like that five or six times over this long weekend of freshman orientation. I, however, do not remember. I’m like, Listen, I’m a southern girl. I’m from North Carolina. I’m polite. I would never just turn someone down like stand someone that’s up six times. But he’s weird that I did. And maybe my extraversion had the best of me and I maybe I thought he was like six different people or something. I don’t know what happened anyway. But what I do remember is, as we were leaving our freshman orientation, he asked for my telephone number. Again, I’m not a believer, but I am a southern girl. So he asked for my number. And I’ll said, how about you give me your number, and I’ll call you. The BT calls that the kiss of death. He didn’t think he would ever hear from him. But I did. I called him in the summer. And we just started a really sweet phone, telephone kind of relationship over the summer. And then when we started college in the fall, we began dating right away. And then we married the summer just before our senior year of College. And so that is the beginning of us. And we. So we weren’t believers, the Lord saved us about four or five years into our marriage. And when he won’t go into how the Lord saved us, that’s another long story for another day, but the Lord saved us. And then we just got plugged into a church in our local area. And one of the pastor’s decided that he was going to plant a church. So we went with that church plant. And at that time, because we were so small, it was just for couples whose you know, we’re part of this church, you know, it’s all hands on deck, everybody’s doing everything, one of which is teaching. So the BD kind of got roped into teaching now and every now and then he would also have opportunities to preach, people would just randomly ask him to preach at their church for a youth event or for some special event. And he was growing in his opportunities to preach. But also, I knew that he had had a gift of teaching. So when he finally told me, you know, he was like, really scared about it. He’s like, they gotta tell you something. I don’t know how to tell you this. But I believe the Lord is calling me to preach. And I just fell out laughing I and he was like, is it that ridiculous of an idea? Like, should I not be thinking about this? But I laughed, because I had been waiting for him to verbalize this gift that was apparent to everyone else. And so, yeah, when I mean, I knew very early on that the Lord was gifting it gift to him in that way. Even before we were Christians. He just had a gift of like, oratory, and that sort of thing. Extra rotation, those sorts of things. And so, so yeah, that’s, that’s how I knew that the Lord was calling him he just kept giving them opportunities. And he was good at it. Using him in it, but oh, boy, this thing is about to happen. He’s gonna be preaches. Why am I not gonna wear you know, monochromatic colors with the hat, shoes, purse and suit. From the job I’m not I’m not going to be doing kind of the stereotypical old school, you know? Right. Yeah, first lady, I’m not gonna be her.

Kristen Wetherell
I just love that what a sweet grace of the Lord to all along have been moving your hearts together? Yes. Because sometimes it doesn’t always happen that way. Right? Like, one person’s here, the other person’s here. And his grace is still in it. But I just love that is.

Kristie Anyabwile
Yeah, even so, the how the Lord saved us, we were saved at the same time, same church, same service, same gospel message, and we both responded on the same day. And so a lot of our married life has been in that way where the Lord has just so aligned us in various ways. Yeah.

Kristen Wetherell
What a sweet sweet kindness of God. Yes. Well, so talk about then Christie, you guys have been married for 31 years, which is far ahead of where we are. And so I just want to glean from you. But we’re talking about nourishing your marriage. And so one definition of nourish, is to provide with food or other substances necessary for growth, health, and good condition. And I love those three words, right? Growth, health and goodness. So what are some of the things you found over the years to be essential for a growing and healthy and good marriage?

Kristie Anyabwile
No, that’s a really good question. Um, so there are so many things that I could say. But I think a few things that the Lord has used to really sustain us and in joy and sustain us. Just in our commitments to one another’s, just just a few things that that I feel like the Lord has used to help us nourish our marriage. One is very early on again, even when we were not believers, we made a commitment to never have secrets. And, you know, funnily enough, I’m the extrovert, but I’m also the person who is a little it’s a little hard for me to like, emote or express things that are going on inside the CBT has to draw me out a lot. And that’s so much secrets like oh, you have a deep, dark, dark secret. Yes, that and also just withholding parts of ourselves from each other. You know, so we kind of hold one another accountable. In that way, and gently find ways to draw one another out so that we’re not holding back any part of ourselves from one another, not keeping secrets and kind of like, big scheme kind of ways, but also just not withholding ourselves from one another in any way. And so that’s one. Secondly, we, we never really made the commitment, but again, in that way, the way that the Lord has aligned us, so, you know, so Well, in certain in particular areas, and one of which is we never fight in the sense of yelling, arguing, throwing, leaving the house, you know, those kinds of things, when people get angry, and your emotions are just, you know, at a high level, we have just never been the kind of couple, obviously, we hurt one another. We’re senators, like, we’re not like perfect, and we have difficulties, we have disagreements, we have strong disagreements. But we just have never been the kind of couple who, who fights and right. You know, because part of it is I think, gosh, like, this is a person I’ve committed my life to, for the time that I’m on this planet. And I just noticed that there are ways, you know, I have a lot of self control, when it comes to my boss, when it comes to my parents when it comes to people out there. Right? Why wouldn’t I have that same level of self control with the person I’m most committed to on this earth? Do you know what I’m saying? So why would I give them the absolute worst of me, when God is calling me to give the absolute best of me to this person, you know what I mean? And, and we know, you know, what the Word says, we know, in James, where it says, Hey, what causes fights and quarrels among you, you know, it’s because you want something you don’t, you can’t get it. And so, you know, we do that, that selfish thing in us that wants something for ourselves, rather than looking for ways to honor and love and give and sacrifice and in humility, treat the other person, my spouse better than myself. Like, that’s a discipline that has to be developed over time. But I believe it is a discipline that can be come more intuitive as you grow in relationship with your spouse.

So that’s another one. And then we do a lot of check ins, especially earlier on in our marriage, where is like, we couldn’t read each other that well, and it’s like, he’s mad at me like what’s going on? We Okay, so even now, we still like a common question is, are we okay? And sometimes it’s not that we’re not okay. You know, circumstances out there and maybe we are ministry may be weighing on the bat in a particular way or something may be weighing on me in a particular way. And, you know, it spills over into our marriage and our communication and those kinds of things. So we tried to check in, are we okay, how are we doing? Or if we have a date night? One question that I love that the BD asks often is, if we’re having a date night, you know, like one of those date nights where you just checking in with one another? He’ll say, lately, have you been feeling more like a spouse? Or more like, Wait has is it more like oh, gosh, I forgot that more like a spouse or more like

I forgot it’s just slipped my mind. This is what happens when you get over 50. But this question is more so like, do Am I feeling more like a wife or more like, like a ministry like a sideline to ministry? Do you know what I mean? Like, am I Yes. Other Woman because I can fiddle or something? Yes, yes. Yes. Yeah. It’ll come to me tomorrow. But yeah, am I am I feeling like, kind of ancillary to ministry, or am I feeling like, you know, we’re community well as a couple, as husband and wife. Do you know what I mean? And so I appreciate when he asks that question, because why? I like the wife lately, like, we had no date night, like, you’ve been gone everywhere, you know? And, you know, and I can tell him what I have. And, you know, he doesn’t want me to feel like the other woman meaning the other woman, like, ministry is the first woman and I’m like, I check like, you know, I mean, so. So having those regular check is so He knows he’s still nourishing, nurturing me as his wife, and that part of our relationship is intact and growing. So I appreciate that. And yeah, so those are a few things I could say more. I was gonna say more, but those are a few. So just really not keeping any kind of secrets, not withholding ourselves with one another. Having those regular check ins. How are we doing? How are you feeling like a wife? You know, lately? And yeah,

Kari Olson
well, that’s, those are good, because I can imagine something those are that is essential. There stays, but maybe how it happens changes over time. Speaking of the regular check ins, so with a tight budget, and an even tighter schedule, when are these regular check ins supposed to happen between the pastor and his wife?

Kristie Anyabwile
That’s such a good question. I know that’s such a good question. Because Minish like, even today, the BT and I were talking about we’ve had something going on every day, every night, this week, like, all week long, and between, you know, activities with kids ministry things, you know, there’s so much happening in my neighborhood stuff. Like, there’s so much happening, like, how do you fit stuff in? Okay, number one, is you schedule it. So it has to be a priority. So we try to, we used to calendar every Monday morning. And now we tend to do it Sunday afternoons. And it’s a lot quicker than it used to be. It used to be like, Okay, who’s going here where you know, when you have, if you have younger children, like you need to set aside sometimes because it’s gonna take a minute. And if you have several children, it’s gonna we only have one left at home. So it’s a lot easier now than it was a few years ago when all the children were busy with activities and at home. But really, you do have to schedule it, we calendar, and we figure out what are the spaces that we want to set aside for us to nurture our marriage. So we don’t try to fit us into a busy schedule, we talk try to fit busy schedule around us. Does that make sense? Yeah. And we have the perspective that we want to make our family marriage centered, and not child centered, or ministry centered, or something else centered. And so we really do want to intentionally build into our relationship. So we schedule it, we put in time for us time with our children before we put in all the other things. And then we also scheduling time where we just not doing anything ministry later. Obviously, we didn’t do a great job of that this week. But But generally, we try to do that. And we also again, I think part of it is just because we’re older now. But we found that date days are way better than date nights. We used to be able to stay up and you know, go have dinner, then go to the movie, maybe go get an ice cream, oh, I need to choose one, we got one and us which will work, what are we going to do? So tomorrow we are going to a movie and we’re going at noon. And then we have the rest of the afternoon he can work on a sermon if he needs to, I can do other things that I need to do. And so that’s what we’re going to do this weekend. So I think you have to do fit your marriage essentials in first before all the other things and not always thinking of things to do that require money. And so we like to just get in the car and drive go somewhere and just talk you know, have good conversation. Sometimes we’ll ride even in our neighborhood around our city, we’ll just ride around for an hour or so and just talk catch up with each other stop. If we see some interesting we want to stop for, you know, families like to bike ride or run or whatever else. So the things that we do don’t always have to be things that cost money, but be creative about those things. It’s good to

Kari Olson
be creative. Be intentional to schedule that’s those are great tips.

Kristie Anyabwile
Yes, sure. Thank you. Yeah,

Kristen Wetherell
it’s really good. Yeah, I needed to hear that today. Brad and I were just talking about that last night. It is hard, especially in the season where a babysitter is required. I think, Carrie, you know, you guys have entered the season where your kids can stay home. You

Kari Olson
can leave them at home safely. Yes, they’re older.

Kristie Anyabwile
I was gonna say that was gonna be another thing that I said too. If you have children who are younger, employ people in your network to you have to build a kind of family where you’re not afraid to leave your children with other people, right? Trust that not everyone is gonna do, you know, dot all the i’s and cross all the t’s and that’s okay. But, but even when your children are babies, like find ways to have a babysitter come in maybe after they, you know, the kids go to sleep and maybe you have to have late date nights aren’t you know, when your children are younger? That kind of thing, but really do find people in your community who you trust who can care for your care for your children? Yeah, really good.

Kristen Wetherell
Will do really good. Well, I loved what you said earlier, Christie about Phoebe’s question to you. Are you feeling like a wife? Or are you feeling like you said the other woman?

Kristie Anyabwile
Yeah. Other Woman? Yes, exactly. Yeah.

Kristen Wetherell
But it emphasizes the point that our marriages are tied to our ministry, right that God has given to us. He’s entrusted both of these things to us. So how does marriage affect our ministry? And we might even turn that question around and say, and then how does ministry affect our marriage? But maybe, maybe it’s the first one first. So how does marriage affect our ministry?

Kristie Anyabwile
Yeah, I think the way I think about it, is that marriage is the is the face covering that you put on first, before when you’re on an airplane, like, hey, you know, if an emergency happens, and we need to evacuate, put your face mask on first, and then put the face mask on your child or someone else that you need to help. So for me, marriage is kind of like that. It’s the face mask that we put on first, that gives us that measure of safety, for lack of a better word before we can, we can’t be we can’t healthily minister to the people in our community, if we’re not healthy, right? So marriage affects ministry, and tons of ways. But fundamentally, the health of the marriage is going to have an effect on the health of the ministry. Because if you’re depleted, if you’re struggling in particular ways in marriage, even when you just think about your capacity for the things that you have to do, it’s just going to be so much more difficult in the ministry. And so I would say strongly if you if you’re in a difficult marriage, and you’re in ministry, to really seek out counsel within your church, from your leadership, but also seek out marriage counselor, or some other therapy or source where you can grow the health of your marriage so that you can be you know, the the ministry can benefit from that health and grow. And I think likewise, the ministry, I mean, we know ministry effects. Ministry, the beat always says, The mess is the ministry, right? So you’re always like, in the midst of beings and, and so many in ministry is like, it can be a siphon, can just like take and take and take and take and take. And so not necessarily bad. But definitely boundaries have to be set so that your marriage can remain healthy, and the church can too. So we’re pretty good about setting boundaries for our time setting boundaries for you know, when we’re available when we’re not. The BT is very good about setting boundaries within his eldership about what to expect when he’s not around and, and just having a healthy eldership as well is just critical because he can leave and entrust the church to these faithful men and he doesn’t have to take with him for on vacation or something. He doesn’t have to take with him the weight of the ministry or feeling like it’s all on him. And I know not every church has elders and a big leadership staff and it might be just the pastor. But in the same way, there are ways that within the congregation you can set good boundaries and try to maintain a measure of health within your marriage. And then one other thing I’ll say is particularly if you have children, I think we have to be really careful about our children’s involvement in ministry. Because that will also I mean, children can be like a really a kind of a hinge both ways between marriage and ministry. Right? And so there are things that we have to do as a family in ministry. But then there’s also ways in which we should allow our children a measure of freedom within that context, so that they don’t begin to resent ministry, or resent, you know, get bitter about the things that were involved in a church. So I just think there’s a balance between marriage family ministry, and I think boundaries are probably our best avenue for trying to maintain health in those three areas, marriage or family, children, if we have them in the ministry.

Kari Olson
Do you think that this is a little bit off book? Do you think that finding the right boundaries is always trial and error? Or are just some people just kind of instinctively, instinctively know how to have those right boundaries? I have found it’s often trial and error finding that right balance?

Kristie Anyabwile
Yeah, it is. And there’s so many different factors that go into it in terms of the pastor and any staffing that he does, or that he has, or that he needs, in terms of just personalities. Again, you know, and especially if, you know, if my husband was an extrovert, and as his wife, I’m an introvert, and there’s so many opportunities for hospitality and fellowship in the ministry, like you have to know what your capacity is, so that you can maintain it. So it is that kind of, but even even though I’m like, yes, let’s have all the people over all the time. You know, we do have to kind of play that trial and error game. Okay. What is, you know, not what not what opportunities we have, we have 1000s of opportunities. But what are what capacity do we have as a family? And we kind of base it on the person with the lowest capacity, right? Because, okay, want to make sure, again, the boundaries are in place. So yeah, I think you’re right there, it is a lot of trial and error. But you also have to be honest with one another about what your capacity is, you know, the level of not even, like physical capacity, but even just interest. And so, you know, and even setting boundaries, and like, you know, we were younger church, you know, I’m not running bulletins, I’m not even though I’m I can do those things, you know, I’m not doing those things, I’m not running back to the bank, I’m not, you know, going to visit every sick person, you know, so you have to figure out like, where’s your, and staying in your lane and not feeling guilty, that you’re not doing all the things I talked to so many, so many ministry wives, who feel like, our church is so small, and it’s just my husband, and I have to go to every hospital visit, and I have to go to this thing. And I have to be with him for all the counseling and this and that. And it’s like, you have to realize that he’s the pastor, right. And unless you’re in a situation where you’re co pastoring, something which I’m imagining is not the case. Most of the listeners here, right, like, or, you know, most pastoring situations, you have to let him pastor, find ways that you can be involved, but not allow yourself to feel guilty because you’re not handling all the needs of all the people like that’s not our job, as ministry wives, you know, my job is to care for my family, serve my husband, be a partner to him in ministry. But not, you know, not, not in a pastoral role in that sense.

Kari Olson
Right. Right. Well, having you know, we are in ministry with with our husbands though our roles are different, but in front of our church is never easy. But especially it’s not easy. If things are difficult at home, if we’re having a hard time at home. What encouragement would you give to the pastor’s wife who is in a difficult season of marriage right now?

Kristie Anyabwile
Yeah, I think for the woman who is in a difficult season of marriage, I would say give yourself grace to step back from everything that is not absolutely essential, meaning the Word of God in prayer caring for your, your family. And basically that’s so good because I think we can try to ignore gloss over make better the difficulty in marriage by being more involved in things and making ourselves overly busy, and then we’re not giving ourselves space and time to really process and work on the difficulties that we’re having in marriage. And I would add the things that I would add, I would take off a lot of, quote unquote ministry things. And I would probably add, you know, trusted sisters who you can share with, and again, some sort of counseling situation, either within the chart, or outside or actually, I would say both, I would say, both within the church and also outside camp council. So I would just encourage you that it’s probably a season and nine times out of 10, it is a season. And as old folks say, This, too, shall pass. And sometimes it doesn’t pass, you just have to walk through it. But the Lord gives grace, he gives grace, He gives strength, he gives wisdom, for us to walk through difficulties, trusting him and knowing that our God does all things well. And he is for us, not against us. And he is with us in the midst of it. And so my other encouragement would be to look for evidences of the Lord’s grace, in the middle of the difficulty, not the difficulty may not go away, if there’s a chronic illness, or if there’s something you know, like that, that might be causing a difficulty. It might not go away, but we know that the Lord is with us in it. And we know that he wants to show us more of himself in it. And so we can look for that, and be encouraged by that. And then just spend so much time just praying for God to intervene, because there’s nothing too hard for him. And I don’t care what it is. In the eyes of man, it may seem impossible. But from the perspective of who God is, and what he’s able to do, nothing is impossible for him. Yeah.

Kristen Wetherell
Amen. Yeah. I love your focus there on looking for God’s grace, because it’s so easy to focus on what’s hard, right? Yeah. That’s, that’s a good word, Christie. And it’s not

Kristie Anyabwile
to ignore what’s hard, right? Like, it’s not to be kind of like Pollyanna and ignore it. But it is a change of perspective, you know, that my attention needs to be on Christ and His goodness and glory in the midst, and not stop at, you know, you know, myself or the situation itself. Right,

Kristen Wetherell
right. No, and I appreciate you reminding us, and giving us that permission to not ignore it, right, to get alongside sisters to get alongside a counselor to step back actually, to invest in the thing that that is most important in our homes.

Kristie Anyabwile
And I’m saying that from personal experience, you know, I’m the one who like I will push, push, push, push, push, push through. And the problem with doing that is that you push yourself to a breaking point. And then, you know, it’s kind of like ignoring a little, you know, a lord ignoring a little thing that maybe you need to see a doctor for, and then it continues to grow and grow and grow. If you had handled it back here when it was small, maybe it wouldn’t have been as big. So like, sometimes it’s just like, I will push, push, push, push, push, not take care of myself, not really dive into, you know, okay, Christy, you need to be real about this and make sure that you you handle it, again, not keeping secrets, bring it to my husband, let him know if there’s something you know, between us that needs to be handled. And, and also just doing that early on, in as the difficulty emerges. So that you can handle it when it’s, you know, in the beginning stages, rather than when it’s festered and become a big issue. Right. Yeah.

Kari Olson
Right. Thank you. Thank you for that encouragement.

Kristen Wetherell
That is a good word. Well, speaking of speaking of grace, I would love for you to share with us how you’ve seen God’s grace in your marriage. So 31 years, you’ve been married to your dear husband? Yes. What are some of the blessings you’re reaping because you have nourished your marriage?

Kristie Anyabwile
I feel like you know, people say all the time, marriage is difficult. Marriage is difficult, and it is. But now, on this side, I feel like marriage is easy. Like, this is part of my life is my marriage. There’s just an implicit ease. Trust, love. Fun. We’re not having to work so hard to make things happen. It’s just, it’s just easy. We just float you know, big thing. Look Little things that felt like big things 2030 years ago, it’s just like, oh, he still leaves his socks on the floor instead of putting them in a basket, you know, like, he could probably tell you 1000 Things that I, you know, still do. They’re just like, you know, it’s not a big deal. We don’t even care about that anymore. Right? So I think, yeah, the blessings right now is just we’ve invested so much time in getting to know one another. What works for us how we tick, what are what communicates love to him. He does the same thing with me what communicates love to me, we kind of know those things more implicitly now. So I have worked so hard, and and it just makes marriage fun. And easy. We got this last one, and it was gonna be empty nesters. So yeah, I’m like hashtagging empty nests, you know? A couple of years. I’m so excited. Like, Mom, you’re trying to get rid of it. You’re trying to get rid of me? Yes, I am. Gonna be a grown man. But yeah, just enjoying the season. Because the difficulty now isn’t the things that are happening with us the difficulties now our aging parents, you know, caring for young adult children, you know, there’s other physical health when you especially if you’re a woman, you know, like, so many things change and need to be attended to. And it’s sweet that the Lord has given us such ease and joy in our marriage, that we can focus on some of these, some of these other areas that tend to come up when you’ve been married a longer time. And then another blessing to me is just, you know, the beauty says that we share a brain, you know. So I guess that’s a part of the ease too, but just seeing the goodness of the Lord and sustaining us. And also just giving us one heart and mind about many things, doesn’t mean we don’t have disagreements or things like that. But we give so much grace to one another. We don’t sweat the small stuff. And you know, like the cliche goes, most, pretty much everything is small stuff. Is this going to matter in eternity? Is this going to matter? 10 days from now, is this gonna matter two years from now? No, then why am I making a big deal out of it right now. So it’s a blessing to be able to know that have experienced it, seen it. Trust the faithfulness of God, that when things happen, like Man, we have seen, we have built up this treasure trove of being able to see God’s faithfulness to us over the years, that again, this not even the implicitness in terms of our relationship, but the implicit trust and faith that we have in the Lord, that he’s going to bring us through difficulties, it’s so much easier to see that now than say it was 1015 2030 years ago. So that is a huge blessing to that God is faithful, He is good. Things are hard. But you know, never seen the righteous forsaken or see begging for bread, like we have a God who is a provider, and he sees us through difficulties, and he wants to do those things for us. And so that’s the sweetness and a blessing that we’ve been experiencing as well.

Kari Olson
That’s so sweet. I appreciate just even hearing from the beginning of the interview to now and you’re talking through, I can see that your check ins your time together your you know, intentionality with each other and your honesty. Yeah, you are reaping the benefit of that have those choices. Yeah, it’s like,

Kristie Anyabwile
you know, what, what you do what you’re doing in marriage, what you’re doing in marriage, or what you should be doing in marriage is making deposits. The deposits you make over the long haul, you reap huge benefit from that in the long term, right? Anybody in finance or investing will tell you those small deposits made over a long period of time, they do give you huge benefits, you know, on the back end, so just keep making deposits aren’t your job right now in marriage is to make a deposit. And so you don’t want to be one who’s siphoning off the marriage. You want to be one who’s continuingly making those deposits since?

Kari Olson
Yeah. Thank you. Thank you for such wisdom and practical wisdom even and we can tell that you have a joyful marriage and in very gracious outlook on marriage because you know, the God of grace and he He has been gracious to you. So Christie, thank you for your time and encouraging us to nourish our marriages in ministry.

Kristie Anyabwile
Thank you so much. It’s been great talking to you, ladies.

Kristen Wetherell
That was precious. I want to I want her to come over to my house so that we can talk longer. I grant I’ve been married eight and a half years now. Ish. And it’s just so wonderful to see someone who was at 31 years. Yes. And they’re doing well, you know, and the overarching testimony is God is faithful. And it can get easier and better. And I feel like we hear so many opposing messages from other, you know, from others who rightly so would be feeling maybe the hardship of that. But I just think it’s so encouraging to hear that from Christie and then to be prayerfully actually pursuing that in our marriages. But she said something that for us, as you know, young, younger marrieds with young kids who require a lot of our attention and time really stood out to me was to schedule your calendar around your marriage, rather than like trying to cram it in. Because we’ve discovered that does not work now. And suddenly you’re sitting across from each other. And you’re like, Oh, we haven’t had a check in in like three weeks, okay. Something needs to change. You know, I loved that I loved what she said about self control a heart of self control. Why would I not give my husband what I desire to give to other people? And I think part of the answer is because I’m more comfortable with him, which there is virtue to that, you know, like, we’re most comfortable with the people we’re at home with all the time. But at the same time, Lord, give me heart that loves the way that you have loved that puts my husband, you know, even above myself outdo one another in showing honor, it makes me think of the passage in Philippians. Two, let each one of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interest of others. And that’s not just do it, but because Christ did it first for you. So I’m so encouraged by that,

Kari Olson
well, I took the same thing that you are encouraged by I was so encouraged by that as well. But you know, she said something about giving your best. And it was right in line with the self control, but giving our best to each other. And not just saving that for other people outside or anything. You know, I’ve been married for 18 years now, Tom and I have and it’s just as true now, as it was then. And even I can see as it is in 31 years of marriage, but you want to give your best to each other one, I think that is what God did for us. He gave his best He gave His Son, He did not withhold. He does not withhold anything good from us. And because he’s just such a good and loving God, why would I not want to give my best to to my husband and my marriage? And really, you know, she was talking about deposits in a bank. It really is those deposits in a bank that you’re giving the best of yourself the best of yourself and you reap the benefits. We saw her reap the benefits in her marriage. And I love her example that way. I’m so thankful for it. Yeah, you know, I It’s something my mom used to tell us girls, as we were teenagers. She said, who you are at home is who you really are. It’s just a little check. Like, am I giving my best at home? am I saving my smiles for my family? Am I giving them my my best efforts? Or am I reserving that for everyone else around me so that people think I’m this great person, you know? Yeah. And I can see that still such a temptation as a pastor’s wife, you know, kind of curating controlling what people think of you, then he let it all down at home. That’s that’s just not going to add up. It doesn’t add up. So that’s giving him my best. That’s a good word. That’s what I want to do.

Kristen Wetherell
Yeah. Well, sisters, we are so grateful for you joining us today. We hope that your hearts have been built up through our conversation with Christie. And whether your marriage feels really easy right now and really enjoyable or you’re in a hard spot. Know that God’s grace is over all of it. sees you sisters with a front row seat, he sees you and he sees you in your marriage, and you can trust that he has good things for you. Thanks for joining us today.